I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
