Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Randomize
