Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
