i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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