You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
