I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
