I could have mohawked her pubes.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
i think im in europe. pls send help
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
