mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
