Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
