she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
