Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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