i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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