i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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