And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
