dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize