I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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