the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
