i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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