someone get that fucking seahorse.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
