it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
