About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
