she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
