this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
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The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
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There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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