Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
