so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
You dont lie about slip and slides
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
