please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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