I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
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Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.