What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
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