The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
