There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
high people should be assigned attendants
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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