Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
