Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
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You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
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Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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