when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
