I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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