it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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