sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
