if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
