Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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