i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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