At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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