I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
