Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
