About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
