why didn't you poke me back
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize