So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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