I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
The beer is more important than you right now.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
