I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
