If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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