She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
