We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
