Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
A+ Viking dick
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
