After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
