my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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