Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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