that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
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Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
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Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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