Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
