Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
